Suffered From the Night

December 11th, 2012

Do you remember when I actually had a Sherlock Holmes story published in A Study in Lavender? I am very proud to say that the anthology is doing well and has had many favorable reviews. It even has its own tumblr. And there is more news!

I expect to have a short story in a new amazing collection: Suffered From The Night: Queering Stoker’s Dracula by Lethe Press! The story is a series of diary entries and letters by Mina and Lucy which take place before, during and after the events in Dracula and present an alternate set of events. I had a great time with the challenge of writing in a new format, in two different voices and weaving the events of the story together with the events in the book in such a way that the two texts can hopefully be read side by side. Making Mina and Lucy lesbians was not a stretch, as fans of Bram Stoker surely know.

For your enjoyment (and an enticement to preorder) here is an excerpt:

Watching her I felt I was looking into a mirror. The effect was heightened by the fact that I could not see myself in the window glass, only her. It was very odd since I could see the whole street but not myself. It was as if I did not exist.

Then I began to think that if I did not exist it did not matter what I did or did not do. If nothing I did was real, then could I not do anything I wanted? I had always wondered what it would be like to kiss myself. I have kissed my own face in the mirror many times, but the cold glass was not like my own lips. I wanted to know. I wanted to kiss her mouth and tangle her dark hair with my blonde hair, somewhere out of the light.

I watched until she came out the back door of the shop to toss the rubbish and then grabbed her, placing my hand over her mouth so she could not scream. She bit me on the hand and even drew a little blood but then she went limp and then just quietly moaned as if too tired to move. I drained her as near death as I could, to sate the hunger. Then, when she was quiet, I kissed her lips.

In honor of The Hobbit coming soon, here’s some…

December 7th, 2012

no one has ever looked this cute in a scarf!

no one has ever looked this cute without a scarf!

I live in LA. It’s too nice out for a scarf!

scarves are for Hobbit babies!

ties are for crazy wizards!

ties? scarves? who cares? I look AWESOME.

I’ve had a night. I would put on a tie, or a scarf, but I can’t be arsed.

Gime your keys, man. You do NOT look okay to drive.

Kings don’t need to wear ties! Kings wear whatever they want. And they look great in it.

In honor of The Hobbit coming soon, here’s some crushworthy pics of the Fellowship 🙂

via Tumblr

I have a fan!

December 3rd, 2011

I’m so happy to get fan love! Coffeebookbandbat, these are some lyrics to  “Alack for I Can Get No Play” reposted here for you.


Alack for I Can Get No Play


As I strolled down along the quay

All in the lateness of the day

I heard a lonely maiden say

“Alack for I can get no play!”


Alack for I can get no play.

O woe is me and lackaday.

O chaste and pure I’ll always stay.

Alack for I can get no play!


So she to mirror straight away

And did her dusky hair array,

And for her dress she much did pay,

Though on her bod it would not stay.


And down she walked along the street,

A handsome lad she hoped to meet

And sore by dawn were her dainty feet

But all the boys were gay.


Then cried she at the break of day

And hung her head in such dismay

To mourn the dearth of fine bootay:

Alack for I can get no play!


Alack for I can get no play.

O woe is me and lackaday.

O chaste and pure I’ll always stay.

Alack for I can get no play!




A Study In Lavender

September 10th, 2011

Good Lord, it has been too long since I updated here. I left it alone so long I had more than 200 spam comments. Half were trying to get me to enlarge my penis, which never goes out of style, and the other half were trying to get me to buy a Zune. A Zune? Really?

In other exciting news I have had a short story published in an anthology of queer Sherlock Holmes fiction. It was a truly fun story to write and I’m told it is also a fun story to read. If you are a Sherlock Holmes fan (hint: you probably are) go and take a look!

Here it is on Amazon: A Study In Lavender

And Indiebound: A Study In Lavender

Odyssey Signing

April 21st, 2011

Romantic Times was so awesome! I have a box of signed books by the wonderful authors there (whom I met!) so huge it had to be shipped home. That is happiness.

I am going to be tagging along again- tomorrow at Odyssey Books in South Hadley at 7pm. I will be there!

The friends and family signing was the most wonderful for me, though. I really felt the love. They were even willing to listen to me rap 😉

Other things will be coming up this month, including a chat entirely in verse and some mp3s available only here, so stay tuned….

Romantic Times

March 23rd, 2011

It’s official! I will be attending the Romantic Times convention in LA April 5-10. I will not be signing *specifically* but if anyone were to ask me to sign something casually I clearly would not say no.

Mostly I am there to support Holly Black, Cassandra Clare and Sarah Rees Brennan as they discuss such important topics as “Rebel Without A Cause: Is a Bad Boy Really Good for a Girl?” and party like rock stars. It has nothing at all to do with getting pseudoflirted with by aspiring Mr. Romance candidates. Or with anything like THIS.

I will also be tagging along to the Midnight Release Party at Mysterious Galaxy Books in San Diego, also for moral support- and comic relief. What are poets for?

Come find me!

The Alan Rickman Rule

November 20th, 2010

I have very closely held beliefs about Alan Rickman, which the recent Harry Potter will likely not disprove. I haven’t seen it yet (but I have read all the books so go ahead and spoiler me).

The Alan Rickman Rule states-
“Any movie with Alan Rickman in it will be better than that same movie would have been if it had not also starred Alan Rickman.”

Note that I do not say it will be a GOOD movie, only that it will be better than it would have been otherwise. Let’s take a look at the movies I have seen which prove this rule….

Let’s start with the one that started this theory, “Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves”. It was so bad that the only way it was watchable at all was by covering the rest of the screen with your thumb in front of your face and only watching Morgan Freeman and Alan Rickman.

Then there are the “Harry Potter” movies, all of them basically being an excuse to showcase British acting talent, starring many fabulous people, but you have to admit that Alan Rickman steals scenes from all of them. Basically if the scene is not nailed down, he steals it. If the scene is nailed down he PRIES up the nails and STEALS IT.

In “Galaxy Quest” he also basically makes the film. Everyone else has a few funny moments, but everything about his character’s resigned self-hatred is hilarious.

Dogma would be a much, much worse movie without Alan Rickman. He actually manages to be a more interesting character than the fallen angels, which is not easy. As Milton fans will tell you, it is extremely difficult to upstage a fallen angel.

Sense and Sensibilty is a silly film, and I have always felt that Emma Thompson is really poorly cast in it. I love Austen and recently watched Pride and Prejudice (the BBC one) and Sense and Sensibility back to back (yes, I really did) and S&S suffers a lot by comparison. It is, however, totally worth it for the look Colonel Brandon gives Marianne when she is sick and he is halfway out the door but she calls him back to say thank you. That one look saves the entire film from being pretty useless.

The recent films of his I have seen- “Sweeney Todd”, where he has some difficulty with scene theiving due to Johnny Depp singing and slicing people’s heads off, and “Love, Actually”, where he has to compete with lovestruck Colin Firth and an adorable child, both have not been movies so bad that only Alan Rickman’s performance shines like a jewel in sewage. They are good movies. However, they are both better with him in them than without, so they do not disprove the rule.

I have not seen most of Alan Rickman’s movies, according to the IMDB. I felt like I had seen all of them but apparently he has been in A LOT of stuff. So if you have seen these movies and you feel able to tell me which ones prove, and which might mistakenly be thought to disprove (the Alan Rickman Rule is never wrong) the rule, please share. The following is a listing of other crazy films Alan Rickman has been in:
Snow Cake, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Nobel Son, The Search for John Gissing, Blow Dry, Play, Dark Harbor, Judas Kiss, The Winter Guest, Michael Collins, Close My Eyes, Truly Madly Deeply, January Man, Bob Roberts, Closet Land, Quigley Down Under, Mesmer and An Awfully Big Adventure

I am excluding anything he did for TV even though he apparently once played Rasputin, and any voice-over stuff even though he was in a film called “Help, I’m a Fish!”

MC Frontalot FTW

September 29th, 2010

First off, let me say that I was not expecting anyone to comment on the Novel Novice feature at this site. So if I took a long time approving your comment I apologize. If you are a real person and your real email address is getbiggerboobs@hotmail and I deleted your comment, I apologize. If you are a real person and you really wanted to share 150 upskirt webcams with me, well, please don’t. If you’re a bot….you don’t care.

To those who are clearly real commenters, THANK YOU! And the RSS feed is coming. And totally Lady Gaga FTW.

Last weekend I had the pleasure of seeing MC Frontalot in concert at the Iron Horse in Northampton and it was a wonderful show. It was my first time at a show, although I watched Nerdcore Rising so I feel like I was there before.

This, however, was  a unique and special occasion. First, MC Frontalot is a friend of my friend Holly Post and was shall we say instrumental at another friend’s bachelor party. He showed up with a megaphone. So we had a bottle of scotch to give to him, and I’ve not done that to a performer before.

Then he brought me a burrito. Then I got to bop to the Yellow Laser Beam song.

So I officially have another hardcore nerdy girl crush, on a nerdcore band appropriately enough. Especially Blak Lotus AKA Brandon Patton. Blak Lotus! It’s like he has a superhero name!

And I am blogging about it even though it is well known that MC Frontalot hates my blog 🙂

Wallpapers from Novel Novice

September 18th, 2010

Sara from Novel Novice has made some beautiful wallpapers with my poetry on them and stunning images of rivers in London and Paris. I am so happy, they are the most gorgeous wallpaper! I will dance for joy!

The full week’s feature on Bitter Language is available here:


About Song Lyrics and Poetry

September 16th, 2010

Today I get to guest blog at Novel Novice! I drove 14 hours to pick up my car from Western Pennsylvania where I had wrecked it on my way back from Pennsic War, but it is done. I had SO much more fun talking about poetry than driving all day. So my guest blog may be a bit crazy. Blame lack of sleep

Hello! This is Elka Cloke, author of Bitter Language, guest blogging for Novel Novice. I’m going to talk about poems and song lyrics in today’s blog, which is one of those topics I can go on about forever because I feel so strongly that song lyrics are poetry.

In order to illustrate this I’m going to take some of the best poems in all history and find their modern song lyric equivalents. Hopefully fans of both will someday learn to forgive me. Here are some of the examples throughout history.

All poets fall in love, and write verses of true devotion:

“SHE walks in beauty, like the night

Of cloudless climes and starry skies;

And all that ‘s best of dark and bright

Meet in her aspect and her eyes:

Thus mellow’d to that tender light             5

Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,

Had half impair’d the nameless grace

Which waves in every raven tress,

Or softly lightens o’er her face;”

“She Walk In Beauty” by Lord Byron

“She’s got eyes of the bluest skies

As if they thought of rain

I hate to look into those eyes

And see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place

Where as a child I’d hide

And pray for the thunder and the rain

To quietly pass me by.”

“Sweet Child of Mine” by Guns N’ Roses

All poets fall out of love, and write verses of bitter disillusionment:

“…No where

Lives a woman true and fair.

If thou find’st one let me know;

Such a pilgrimage were sweet.

Yet do not; I would not go,

Though at next door we might meet.

Though she were true when you met her,

And last, till you write your letter,

Yet she

Will be

False, ere I come, to two or three.”

“Song” by John Donne

“Come on playa once a ho always

And hos never close they open like hallways

An here’s a ho cake for your whole ho crew

an everybody wants some cuz hoes gotta eat too”

“Ho” by Ludacris

All poets reach for immortality through their work, and confer immortality on their subjects if successful:

“But thy eternal summer shall not fade,

Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow’st,

Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade,

When in eternal lines to time thou grow’st.

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,

So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.”

“Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Day” by William Shakespeare

“Don’t tell me you don’t know the difference

Between a lover and a fighter

With my pen and my electric typewriter

Even in a perfect world where everyone was equal

I’d still own the film rights and be working on the sequel

And I’m giving you a longing look

Everyday, everyday, everyday I write the book”

“Everyday I Write the Book” by Elvis Costello

Even the poets of religious bliss seem to be following the same tradition:

“And though the last lights off the black West went

Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs—

Because the Holy Ghost over the bent

World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.”

“God’s Grandeur” by Gerard Manley Hopkins

“I’m not a human

I am a dove

I’m your conscience

I am love

All I really need is to know that

You believe”

“I Would Die 4 U” by Prince

Poetry is bound by the logic of metaphor and does not need to make sense except to your heart:

“Still she haunts me, phantomwise,

Alice moving under skies

Never seen by waking eyes.”

“Life Is But A Dream” by Lewis Carroll

“Picture yourself in a boat on a river,

With tangerine trees and marmalade skies.

Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly,

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green,

Towering over your head.

Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes,

And she’s gone.”

“Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds” by The Beatles

Sometimes the printed word can do what the spoken word cannot:










“L(a” by e.e. cummings

Sometimes the sung word can do what the printed word cannot:

“And I could say Oo oo oo

As if everybody here would know

What I was talking about

I mean everybody here would know exactly

What I was talking about”

“Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes” by Paul Simon

However, this assumes that ink and paper is the medium of poetry and sound alone is the medium of song. That is not entirely true. The true medium of poetry is breath, just like song. The decision to highlight the exceptional abilities of ink or sound is the decision of the artist.

Even some of the forms poets use are the same, most notably ballad poems which are really a song form recited without music:

“One kiss, my bonny sweetheart; I’m after a prize tonight,

But I shall be back with the yellow gold before the morning light.

Yet if they press me sharply, and harry me through the day,

Then look for me by moonlight,

Watch for me by moonlight,

I’ll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way.”

“The Highwayman” by Alfred Noyes

“M.C.A. was with it and he’s my ace

So I grabbed the piano player and I punched him in the face

The piano player’s out the music stopped

His boy had beef and he got dropped

Mike D. grabbed the money M.C.A. snatched the gold

I grabbed two girlies and a beer that’s cold.”

“Paul Revere” by The Beastie Boys

For the Lady Gaga related poll, see the Novel Novice website!